Guest Opinion
Maybe it’s time for a Starbucks express line
OK, I’ve been turning myself inside out, trying to avoid getting into this, but I can no longer keep my mouth shut.
They need an express line at Starbucks.
There already are two tills in operation at most of the popular coffee shops, so maybe it’s time to reserve one of them for people who can place their drink order in four words or less.
Four words is all you need if all you really want is coffee.
In the other line you could have all those other people who need to use a whole paragraph of words to explain what they want – you know, the people who don’t really drink coffee.
Let’s face it, if you need to use the words “caramel,” “chocolate,” “pumpkin,” “eggnog” or “peppermint,” you’re not drinking coffee. You’re having dessert.
I used to order a “grande Americano with room.”
Now, two of those words were kind of being wasted because I didn’t really need the room for cream. That was just my way of protecting myself from spilling the stupid thing on the way to work.
But then it got to the point where I couldn’t get anything bigger than a “tall” (ironically, the smallest size available) and still stay under my self-imposed price limit of $2 per cup – which, in my book, is plenty for a cup of strong black coffee.
Although the grande Americano at some locally owned coffee shops is still under $2, those are getting harder and harder to find. (In fact, a coffee shop with anything on the sign outside but “Starbucks” is pretty danged hard to find these days.) Then, one of the ladies I carpool with (let’s call her “Louise”) tipped me off to the value of the drip coffee of the day.
It’s good, it’s strong, and (at this writing, anyway) the grande size is a mere $1.75.
So, now I order a “grande coffee with room,” and I have a quarter to drop in the tip jar. I’m still wasting the last two words, even though I’ve also discovered the little green plugs they have for you to put in the hole and therefore minimize spilling.
Now, I know what you’re going to say: Most people out there want something that can’t be ordered in four words or less.
Maybe that’s true.
It could be that I’m just a dinosaur (I do work at a newspaper, after all) – one of the very few, a vanishing breed, who just want some stout coffee to start the day.
So, I have a back-up suggestion. Maybe they should allow – no, let’s say encourage – those who can order in four words or less to go to the head of the line.
Invariably, once we quick-order customers do get to the cash register, order our coffee and pay, the person in front of us is often still blocking up the counter because they’re signing their debit card slip or waiting for approval to come through from a bank somewhere in Minnesota or still gabbing with their newly reunited friend who they decided to meet at this Starbucks on this morning for the first time since they were in elementary school together – or trying to wrangle their 3-year-old away from the treats on the counter.
A tiny disclaimer here. I’m not one of those wild-eyed anarchists who thinks Starbucks is just as much a spawn of Satan as Dick Cheney and George Bush. As giant, successful corporations go, I think it’s probably a pretty good one, and my impression is that it is operated with as much integrity and conscience as you can hang onto when you’re striving for world domination.
I’m also struggling not to mention all those other goodies that are available to the coffee-buyer at Starbucks. I’m usually no sucker for the sweet treats, but those breakfast sandwiches almost always call my name. Fortunately (for my $2 spending limit), I can usually ignore the call.
Come on, Starbucks, give it a try. Four words or less. I’m telling you, it could be big.
Former editor of the Lake Oswego Review and former managing editor of the Beaverton Valley Times and The Times, serving Tigard, Tualatin and Sherwood, Mikel Kelly handles special sections for Community Newspapers and contributes a regular column.